Bottled Up Mess
by RealmOfThee
Summary: Ramblings and ideas on Barry Allen's struggles and an attempted understanding on why he does not have the courage to tell Iris West he loves her. Also something pretty cute at the end. Mild language. I own nothing.


Love is to be forever explored, even for those that have lost it all. Persistent, sudden, unmistakable; Barry found himself absorbed to the wonderfully gorgeous woman that kick-started his life back into shape. It was a silly thing, he reminded himself at first. He admired her, then it branched out and finally bloomed into love and he's been on a standstill ever since. Always happening to shrug it off, Barry told himself things he shouldn't just to remain friends and to seemingly forever fear rejection.

Why had fear developed? Was rejection really so frightening? For one, Iris was incredibly perfect for this young man. No doubt about that one. As a kid Barry was bullied and he recalled one of his worst challenges against one. He ended up being slammed hard against his locker and he remembered the chilling pain along his spine. His long-term, famous bully had him hopelessly wrestling for an out in the situation. He didn't find himself free without a broken left arm in the mix of it. Sliding down against the locker, arm broken and emotions wilted, she was there, courageous as she was, convincing the bully to stop with a firm, outrageous yell.

Barry didn't know that the bully liked Iris and that was why she had always very easily convinced him out of causing trouble with the kid that couldn't fight back. Good lord had she always been the one to be so convincing and always helped him out of his mess. She supported him, inspecting his arm and getting him into Joe's car so they could immediately head off to the hospital. That was one of many days where he knew he was falling in love with her. Crushing on her. Iris was strong, beautiful, courageous; he envied her and it grew up to be so much more.

Had he felt undeserving of her? Possibly. Thinking back to the death of his mother and the false murder charge on his father, he had lost much love in such a short time, having been just a kid and all. Joe and Iris built it back up and thus he must feel in debt around them in some way. Especially for Iris, as they have been around the same age and she seemed to know better than anyone as to when he was upset and how to fix it. But how could he ever repay her? Confessing his love for her wouldn't equalize it. Not in the slightest. Or would it? He didn't come across how a confession would ever help him repay her. He felt it more selfish than anything. There had to be another way or else he'd remain feeling she'd be so much happier with someone else.

Yet he could be so special for her. He grew up with her and therefore knows even the smallest of things that gets her smiling or feeling satisfied for the day. Brownies, of course, was one of them. Not much of a small thing but if it's homemade you're instantly a friend of hers for life. He could imagine even more, kissing her, holding her, being so right for her. But was he? Poor Barry doubted himself. Wasn't it selfish to attempt to get in her way like this? Wouldn't it be awkward? They lived in a house together for a very long time. Would she be freaked out about it? He never would have attempted to spy on her while in the same house. Oh, not at all. He loved her in an admiring way, and especially in terms of friendship and finding her beautiful and deserving of affection. Of course he'd be willing to provide such a thing, yet he'd have to be dreaming to get that lucky, he bet to himself. He loved Iris so much more than simply her body and it shows in the way he smiles just to see her being excited and friendly around him.

Ugh, when could he ever tell her? Joe knows, or always knew, and that only made it more difficult on him. The hardest thing was after his coma and Iris found her boyfriend, Eddie. He had been putting off confessing his love for her for so long that she found herself another man and she looked genuinely happy to be with him. He messed up and now his heart was suffering in the midst of it all.

He was jealous. Oh, very jealous indeed. It was wrong but he couldn't help himself one bit. His expression sunk, or at least his heart had every time he'd see them together. He should be feeling glad and sympathetic for her and that she deserved this very much so. He desired so badly to be in Eddie's shoes. Finding Iris in such a blissful state as this, however, he decided to let it be. He definitely can't tell her now, right? Just because she's with another man? It would make it all awkward, he convinced himself. He owes her anyway, he scolded himself. She's happier with a better man, he agonized toward himself.

It was painful for him. Oh yes, he was very much in pain over it sometimes. Jaw clenched at the sight of those two so much as kissing the other's cheek. An achingly upsetting emotion to feel that same love Iris was giving Eddie was overbearing sometimes. Was that also selfish? Should he be upset with himself to want to fight for such a thing? It was clear that every route he accessed in his brain for this meant more confusion and closed doors.

Her laughs filled his heart to the fullest sometimes. So sincere, passionate, energetic; he wouldn't know what he could do in a life without her. Every time she'd go and do something precarious, he'd find himself restless, frustrated and even upset with her. He'd lost his mother, what else should be expected from him? Sympathy for doing or being in a hazardous situation wasn't necessarily built into his mindset. Of course, that would come later with the realization that the creation of her blog was to support him. He'd been so troubled with her decision and Joe had drilled the idea into his head to find ways to make Iris halt on the whole Streak subject altogether. That putting her name out there was dangerous. And indeed it was, as later she was put into danger and it had him grossly worried.

It caused much tension. Tension she didn't deserve out of him and he finally got it together and realized that too. He was putting his frustrations in places it didn't belong because of his jealousy. It was messing with his precious friendship with the one he cared about the most. He was The Flash and he couldn't say a darn thing about it to her. He was in love and he couldn't figure out how to tell. His courage continued to suffer.

The Flash seemed great at stepping up Barry's game to flirt with Iris. It was usually very subtle and at some points barely even so. A flustered Iris, as seen by a regular ol' Barry, had him smiling like a maniac for pulling such stunts on her. He enjoyed those moments thoroughly and held a deep, secretive smirk each time. She was so interested in his super hero form and it had him too cocky for his own good because of it. He was attaining more courage in his super hero side over his true, normal self.

But what could he say? He was getting himself lost in it. Hiding his identity by vibrating his head and voice. He knew that the potential nightmare of it all would roll on in soon, how Iris will eventually figure it out or he'd have to tell her. Besides, what best friend should keep such secrets from someone as deserving to know as Iris? Yet here comes the answer: she would immediately be put in danger. She would become the Princess he'd always have to save, the one enemies would take so he would have to save her and worry endlessly that it would happen again. He had to keep her safe and thus a pair of locked lips were always faced toward poor Iris.

Love was one sure as hell difficult subject on this man. Barry had been adorably crushing on his best friend for years. Two decades in fact. Unfortunately, confession for him comes at a great cost now compared to back then. A small stir of consciousness lifted in Barry's head and he began to stretch against his bed. He felt like he had just been going over every little thing to do with Iris for hours unconsciously, laying there talking to himself in his head. He honestly felt too tired and wanted to fall back asleep, however he noticed his alarm about to scream in a couple of minutes and he figured he may as well get up.

Groggy and grumpy, the super hero dressed up for the morning and took some time to fix his bedhead. It didn't get messy all the time, but sometimes in his dreams he tosses and turns like an enraged sea. He had no memory of his dream last night. Well, he supposed he could head off to his normal life's work early. Impress Joe for actually being on time for once. Or he could have some pizza for breakfast. Whatever works.

The decision had been made as soon as Barry left for work. He was absolutely starving and he may have used his powers a little just to get to his unhealthy breakfast real quick. Surprisingly, he still had a lot of time to be at work early. The young man grinned at this and pursued his destiny as always.

Today he didn't see an ounce of Eddie's presence. This was helpful for him as he just didn't want to deal with how Eddie was with Iris at the moment and therefore felt entranced in his work. Hands planted onto the desk as he stood, papers neatly organized for the time being as he read through them and took time to calculate what it all meant. The evidence on this new case was a little boring. Definitely not as exciting as a metahuman. He was very interested in taking out some pent up irritation on an evil metahuman today.

Reality struck him and he gasped, jolting at the presence of hands over his shoulders. They felt massaging and he sighed out a long, deep breath. It wasn't too frustrated of one, he hoped. He even bit his tongue just to not admit how alarmed he felt just then. Looking for Iris, the one that rarely does this to him, he finds her leaning her head close to his on the left. He was begging, absolutely hoping that he wasn't blushing as furiously as he felt right now. Wow, she looked absolutely stunning today and he almost bit his lip in a thought to tell her.

"Working hard today? Dad told me you came in early. I suspect that means you must be sick. Are you?" she asked in a playful tone, still working out the strained muscles in his shoulder blades.

"I didn't sleep very well last night. Had nothing better to do I guess." he replied sheepishly, not sure if he wanted to avoid his face being so close to hers or take the time to grasp it and keep it in his memories. His voice was also a little bit throaty at the amazing massaging he oh so needed for his back.

"Yeah, you're totally sick." she gently pat him on the back right then and took a gentle step away, leaving her hands to her sides. "Have you even eaten today?"

"I uh, I ate pizza this morning." His smile was out of nervousness at this point. She was getting under his skin way too easily.

"Pizza? For breakfast?" the gorgeous woman raised a brow at him. "You're crazy."

"We've done it before." he snorted at her with a teasing face.

"Oh hush. Not anymore." Iris smiled back at him and casually walked to the other side.

Barry couldn't help but just smile at her response while returning his eyes after his work. He was seriously crushing on her right now and he couldn't help his adorable self. How the hell could he repay her like this? Making him smile and feel all giddy when she's around? A tingling, odd feeling resulted from his hair and he averted his eyes toward her, or at least tried to, and turned his head slightly in puzzlement.

"Hold on, you got a cow lick or something. Let me fix it." She used her right hand to firmly grab his chin and push it back to how it had been, eyes finally directing at his paperwork again. She had a brush in her purse, just a small dinky little one, and worked out his usually perfected hair.

The super hero couldn't reply, a very wary and panicky expression as his heart was pounding hard in his chest right now. Could she tell right now? Would she catch him? He couldn't breathe coolly like before, taking a deep breath and eyes wavering around senselessly. Suddenly a dark figure held up at the corner of his left eye toward the door frame. It was Joe, watching this scene perform and Barry felt like he wanted to die of embarrassment right then and there. Joe visibly looked like he was laughing at Barry and gave a short, playful wave of "good luck" before suddenly turning and giving the two a moment. She finally stopped messing with his hair and he gave a deep sigh of relief.

"There!" she exclaimed, proud of herself. "I'll see you later Barry, Eddie just texted me."

"Bye." His tone was a bit too hearty and he gulped. He didn't pay attention to the second half of her sentence.

A tingling feeling was still felt on the right side of his head. He held his hand there, gently stroking his hair and smiling stupidly to himself. Joe arrived right after Iris exited and Barry had clearly missed their short greetings to one another. The cop noted Barry's smile and just shook his head. He really loved that woman.


End file.
